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Next @ Google Labs
by Michael Stusser
“Google has just
introduced a new Google
Labs experiment called
Google Social Search, a
way to find online
content authored by
friends and personal
contacts.”
—Information Week
For immediate release:
Google Labs, the
in-house workshop that
allows developers room
to test the next great
thing in search-related
technology, has rolled
out apps such as Google
Earth, FastFlip, Google
Dashboard and Google
Music. The following,
though still in
Beta-versions, will
appear on a desktop near
you in the very near
future:
Google-Fridge: Search
the contents of your own
icebox without leaving
the couch! Google-Fridge
also has handy
expiration date searches
and can analyze up to
300 types of bacteria
and mold. Is that
meatloaf or a mushroom?
We got any Ben & Jerry’s
left? With Google
–Fridge, you’ll know!
Googo-Plasty: With
Googo-Plasty, plastic
surgery is a virtual
certainty! Simply upload
photos of your
troublesome body parts,
and have hundreds of
virtual procedures
applied immediately.
Find the nose or butt
lift you like? Just
click the GP icon and
receive competitive
pricing from LA’s finest
cosmetic docs. Use the
Boob-Tube feature to
send images of the
soon-to-be new you to
friends and family!
Google-Teen: With Google
Teen, parents can search
their kid’s backpacks,
bedrooms, Facebook
pages, text messages,
and school lockers with
one swift click of a
mouse. Using hidden
cameras, invasive memory
searching (developed by
the George W. Bush
administration) and GPS
technology, Google-Teen
is better than a urine
sample, and far less
messy! If anybody’s
going to be a predator,
it’s you!
Moogle: Why go to the
supermarket to find a
juicy cut of sirloin
when Moogle can search
cows in your area, even
mapping the loins and
chops in juicy 3-D?
Marvel at the marbling,
then have that T-bone
delivered to your door
in minutes.
MyGoogFace: Tired of
keeping up with Facebook,
MySpace and Twitter
accounts? With
MyGoogFace, the
application does the
friending for you,
seeking out new virtual
pals based on your
preferences and even
communicating with them
using previous messages
and photo-shopped pics.
Make thousands of new
friends each day – and
never have to pay
attention to any of
them!
Kugel-ah: Troll ancient
archives for Kosher
Jewish delicacies from
the old country and find
the perfect meal to
accompany circumcisions
and bar mitzvahs. From
Ashkenazic borscht to
z’roa, just keep pork
and shellfish out of the
(search) box, and bang
out the bagel recipes
ASAP. And would it kill
your goyishe-wife to
learn a few Jewish
meals? Now call your
Mother with the good
news and pass the
Kreplachs!
Sue-gle: Tired of hiring
lawyers to file those
constant workers’ comp
suits and restraining
orders? Use Sue-gle to
fill out the paperwork
in two easy auto-filling
steps. Stalkers,
ex-wives, mega-corps,
Steven Spielberg and
co-working-sociopaths—you’ve
been served with Sue-gle!
You-gle: The Internal
Cavity Search. With this
innovative scanning
feature, users can
search their own innards
to identify potential
health hazards and
accidentally ingested
objects. (If only
Richard Gere had access
to You-gle back in the
day!) Colon checks out,
the arteries are fairly
smooth—but WHOA—that
looks like a dark spot
on the ol’ liver! I
better call somebody.
Google-Porn: Finally a
search we can use on a
minute-by-minute basis.
Simply type in the type
of porn you like—tall,
Asian, MILF, tied up,
hermaphrodite, vintage
or schoolgirl—and
Google-Porn will narrow
your search to the
123,448 videos that
exactly fit the
bill. What’s that?
Google already does
that?
At
GoogleLabs, we’re
bringing the world to
your finger-tips, and
making sure you never
have to leave the house.
Your search – is over.
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